Archive for the ‘Cool Shit’ Category

Moving Words: Be Moved.

January 18, 2010

These words moved the world…they still should.

(Happy MLK Day…)

Moving Words: The Dollar Buys a Nickel’s Worth…

January 14, 2010

These words moved me long before they ever moved themselves.

(I’m not really as mad as hell right now, but it’s a powerful speech and quite fitting to the times in which we live…)

Moving Words: One Man Wolf Pack

January 9, 2010

Funniest movie ever.

Plain White Shirt…

January 9, 2010

LNF*

• In Oklahoma there’s an old, forgotten law that states dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate on private property in groups of three or more.

• In Texas it was once illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

• On average, 61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given hour.

• 70% of Americans have visited Disneyland/Disney World.

• A major league baseball has an average life span of 7 pitches.

• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

• The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history; Spades represent King David, Clubs are Alexander the Great, Hearts for Charlemagne, and Diamonds for Julius Caesar.

• “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

• The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

• Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

• The name “Wendy” was made up by J.M. Barrie for the book Peter Pan.

• The phrase “sleep tight” derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

• There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

• A snail can sleep for 3 years.

• Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

*Why LNF? Why Plain White Shirt? Read Rorschach’s Ribs and all will be understood.


Moving Words: War Face

December 28, 2009

The new year is finally approaching—I can see it lingering just ahead, like the light at the end of a very long, very dark, dank tunnel.

2010 is Go Time.

I need to put on my War Face.

So I’m going to let these moving words move me. Then I’m going to kick 2010’s lily-white arse.

Moving Words: Eleven

December 26, 2009

These moving words have moved millions…

Plain White Shirt: Holidaze Edition

December 24, 2009

Holidaze LNF*

• If you actually received all of the gifts in the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, you would receive 364 presents.

• Although many believe that Black Friday (the Friday after Thanksgiving) is the busiest shopping day of the year, in reality, it is only the fifth busiest day. The Friday and Saturday before Christmas are actually the two busiest shopping days of the year.

• In 1649 Oliver Cromwell outlawed Christmas Carols in England.

• The word carol is derived from the old French word caroller which derives from the Latin choraula. This itself was derived from the Greek choraules.

Wassail comes from the Old Norse ves heill—to be of good health. This evolved into the tradition of visiting neighbors on Christmas Eve and drinking to their health—until the Puritans stepped in and tried to ruin everything.

Silent Night was written and originally performed on a guitar.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was actually created by Montgomery Ward in the late 1930’s for a holiday promotion.

• The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas.

• The song White Christmas was written by Irving Berlin, who was Jewish and never actually celebrated the holiday.

• Vera Ellen, the Barbie Doll looking actress from White Christmas had all of her costumes, down to her robe and sleepwear, specially designed to cover her neck. It was aged beyond her years due to an eating disorder.

Jingle Bells, written by in 1857 by James Pierpont, was originally intended for the Thanksgiving holiday , only later to become one of the most popular Christmas songs…like, ever.

*Why LNF? Why Plain White Shirt? Read Rorschach’s Ribs and all will be understood.


This Week in Bacon: Booze! The Final Chapter

December 23, 2009

After three weeks of waiting and dreaming, the Bacon Vodka is finished. It has been strained and filtered, it has been bottled.

And it has been tasted.

It’s good. I mean really good.

It’s a subtle, smokey, baconey flavor with just mild hints of the black peppercorn.

Considering I think regular vodka tastes like lighter fluid, that says a lot.

So it goes without saying, the next logical step was to refine my Bloody Mary recipe to ensure Christmas morn is spent enjoying the greatest breakfast cocktail…ever.

After some trial and error, I think I’ve got it.

The Bloody Bacon

Fill a pint glass with ice. Grind some black pepper and shake some celery salt over the cubes and set it aside for a country second.

In a shaker, add:

• 6 oz vegetable juice

• 2 teaspoons fresh lime juice

• 4-10 shakes of Tabasco, depending on your tastes…I opted for 12.

• 6 Dashes Worcestershire sauce

• A generous pinch of garlic powder

• A fat-fingered pinch of onion powder

• 2 big pinches of celery salt

• Copious amounts of black pepper

• A shake of cayenne pepper

• A shake of chipotle

• 1/2 teaspoon horseradish

• 1/2 teaspoon wasabi

• 1 ounce beef broth

• 2 shots of Bacon Vodka..I opted for 3.

Shake, then pour over the ice.

I garnished it with fresh cooked bacon, roasted red pepper-stuffed green olives and a wedge of lime.

It is, quite possibly, the greatest Bloody Mary I’ve ever tasted.

This Week in Bacon: Booze! Pt. 3

December 22, 2009

A Quick Update on the Bacon Vodka

The Vodka has been removed from its dark hiding place after three weeks of mingling with the bacon and peppercorn.

The next step was the freezer, to help the liquor separate from the bacon fat and pepper.

Then I began the straining and filtering process.

I poured the sweet nectar of the gods through a coffee filter-lined strainer, then put it back in the freezer.

Rinse and repeat.

Currently, she’s back in the freezer for the night.

I’ll repeat the process tomorrow a few more times, then we move on to the fun part—refining the Bloody Bacon recipe.

It may take a few tries, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice…for you.

Come Christmas morn I’ll be sipping on the world’s greatest Bloody Mary.

More to come.

Plain White Shirt: Holidaze Edition

December 18, 2009

hlly

Holidaze LNF*

• Electric lights for trees were first used in 1895.

• Americans buy 37.1 million real Christmas trees each year.

• Christmas trees are edible.

• Holly berries are poisonous.

• The modern Christmas custom of displaying a wreath on the front door of one’s house, is borrowed from ancient Rome’s New Year’s celebrations. Romans wished each other “good health” by exchanging branches of evergreens. They called these gifts strenae after Strenia, the goddess of health. It became the custom to bend these branches into a ring and display them on doorways.

• Scott Schwartz, the actor who played Flick in A Christmas Story—you know, the kid that gets his tongue stuck to the flagpole—he’s a porn star now.

• An  estimated 400,000 people become sick each year from eating tainted Christmas leftovers.

• Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in “A Christmas Carol,” three other names were considered by Charles Dickens. They were Little Larry, Puny Pete, and Small Sam.

*Why LNF? Why Plain White Shirt? Read Rorschach’s Ribs and all will be understood.


Trailer Trash: Holiday Edition

December 17, 2009

Personally, I think Home Alone falls into the category of Holiday Classics, but far too often it’s overlooked. Sure it’s a famous, well-loved movie…but people seem to forget it’s really just a Christmas Movie.

Perhaps if it were a suspense/thriller movie about a psychopath with a shovel it would get more attention…or not…

Plain White Shirt

December 15, 2009

hlly

LNF*

• Fish can get seasick if they are swirled in a pail or kept on board a rolling ship.

• At least fifteen million people are having a birthday today.

• Clark Gable was listed on his birth certificate as a girl.

• Woman blink nearly twice as much as men.

• Humans share one third of their DNA with lettuce.

• Right-handed people live on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people.

• Kermit the Frog is left handed.

• Corn is incapable of reproducing itself in the wild.

• Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.

• An average of 76 people a year die playing twister, about 23 of which played the nude version. (better to stick to volleyball)

• Thomas Edison was a judge at the first “Miss America” beauty contest in 1880.

HOLIDAZE LNFs:

• Christmas became a national holiday in America on June, 26, 1870.

• In Greek, X means Christ. That is where the word “X-Mas” comes from. Nobody took the “Christ” out of Christmas, they just got lazy.

• Some priests in Australia advise you to say “Happy Christmas”, not “Merry Christmas”, because Merry has connotations of getting drunk

• “Hot cockles” was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times in which participants took turns striking a blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. “Hot cockles” was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.

•“It’s a Wonderful Life” appears on TV more often than any other holiday movie.

• During the holiday shopping season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.

• More diamonds are sold around Christmas than any other time of the year.
• Seven out of ten dogs receive Christmas Gifts from their owners.

*Why LNF? Why Plain White Shirt? Read Rorschach’s Ribs and all will be understood.


Moving Words: Christmas Edition

December 4, 2009

In honor of my Christmas Story post, I give you this:

Video by Robbie Keating

This Week in Bacon: Booze! Pt. 2

December 3, 2009

Just a quick update…

The bacon has been made (I was sure to make a few extra pieces to eat)

Vodka and bacon are now in a jar, getting to know each other a little better.

I added a little black peppercorn before sealing the lid tight.

Do not open until Christmas.

This Week in Bacon: Booze! Pt. 1

December 3, 2009

I love Bloody Marys.

Almost as much as Whiskey Sours.

It’s the breakfast of champions, complete with all the nutrients and vitamins your mother hopes you’re getting, now that she’s not there to provide you with something hearty in the morning.

So when I heard there was a bacon-infused vodka, well, I got a tingly feeling from head to toe.

Then I remembered: I’m unemployed, and fairly broke.

Now it’s true, the less money I have, the more I need to drink—it’s a twisted irony of life.

Unemployed=bottom shelf liquor in plastic bottles.

I thought about asking for some as a Christmas gift, but every time I ask my family for hard liquor as a present, be it my birthday, Easter or Arbor Day, they get a sad look on their faces, shaking their heads solemnly while considering a holiday intervention.

But I will not let these trying economic times mess with my cocktail hour.

I’ve always been a believer that anything that can be done, can be done better at home.

I don’t buy sour mixes for my whiskey, I don’t purchase Mr. & Mrs. T for my bloodies.

If you want something done right, do it your own damned self.

That’s how I roll.

So I’m going to make my own.

Watch this blog in the coming weeks as I chart my progress…More to come.

Moving Words: Bukowski Edition

December 2, 2009

If you know me, or have ever read my novel, you know how I feel about Bukowski.

His work was as much a character in Rorschach’s Ribs as Escher Smallwater or Phil Callaway.

Today, moreso than most, has felt like the embodiment of one of his greatest poems, the Shoelace.

So, in honor of my slow ride to the madhouse, let the moving words move you.

Video by some guy named Jason (http://www.youtube.com/user/myspace.com/blackholestudios)

And here’s the original poem, in case you’ve never read it:

The Shoelace

a woman, a
tire that’s flat, a
disease, a
desire: fears in front of you,
fears that hold so still
you can study them
like pieces on a
chessboard…
it’s not the large things that
send a man to the
madhouse. death he’s ready for, or
murder, incest, robbery, fire, flood…
no, it’s the continuing series of small tragedies
that send a man to the
madhouse…
not the death of his love
but a shoelace that snaps
with no time left …
The dread of life
is that swarm of trivialities
that can kill quicker than cancer
and which are always there –
licence plates or taxes
or expired driver’s license,
or hiring or firing,
doing it or having it done to you, or
roaches or flies or a
broken hook on a
screen, or out of gas
or too much gas,
the sink’s stopped-up, the landlord’s drunk,
the president doesn’t care and the governor’s
crazy.
lightswitch broken, mattress like a
porcupine;
$105 for a tune-up, carburetor and fuel pump at
sears roebuck;
and the phone bill’s up and the, market’s
down
and the toilet chain is
broken,
and the light has burned out –
the hall light, the front light, the back light,
the inner light; it’s
darker than hell
and twice as
expensive.
then there’s always crabs and ingrown toenails
and people who insist they’re
your friends;
there’s always that and worse;
leaky faucet, christ and christmas;
blue salami, 9 day rains,
50 cent avocados
and purple
liverwurst.

or making it
as a waitress at norm’s on the split shift,
or as an emptier of
bedpans,
or as a carwash or a busboy
or a stealer of old lady’s purses
leaving them screaming on the sidewalks
with broken arms at the age of 80.

suddenly
2 red lights in your rear view mirror
and blood in your
underwear;
toothache, and $979 for a bridge
$300 for a gold
tooth,
and china and russia and america, and
long hair and short hair and no
hair, and beards and no
faces, and plenty of zigzag but no
pot, except maybe one to piss in
and the other one around your
gut.

with each broken shoelace
out of one hundred broken shoelaces,
one man, one woman, one
thing
enters a
madhouse.

so be careful
when you
bend over.

Moving Words: Follow Up

November 21, 2009

In honor of my Open Letter to Syfy, and the resulting reference to Idiocracy, I give you this:

video by Jane

(Retro)spect: This Week in Bacon

November 21, 2009

There were a lot of things wrong with the world back in the 70’s and 80’s

Leisure wear

Spandex

Hair Metal

Disco

Polyester

Tight-rolled jeans

Z-Cavaricci

Mall Hair

Side Spikes

Mullets

Wine Coolers

Topsiders with no socks

Joanie Loves Chachi…

…I could go on for days…

But there was one offense greater than most.

They posed a question to us:

Why sizzle fat when you can Sizzlean?

 

I’ll tell you why. Because bacon is quite frankly, the best food ever.

Eating Sizzlean (or Facon, as I like to call it) is like eating a tofu burger and hoping it tastes like the real thing—just eat the damned burger, folks.

 

It’s like Beggin Strips for people.

 

And trust me…you should NEVER eat Beggin Strips…They (like Sizzlean) do not, I repeat, DO NOT taste like bacon.

Saturday Trailer Trash: Hungry Eyes Edition

November 21, 2009

What if David Lynch had directed Dirty Dancing?

I miss you, Mr. Swayze

Cool Shit: the Magic of Technology

November 19, 2009

I’m not a Harry Potter fan.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy the movies as much as the next guy.

I just can’t bring myself to read children’s books written by an author who always relies on the same tired old cliche of killing off likable characters to evoke emotion from the reader. Once or twice is fine—sometimes it’s necessary to move the plot forward or create the desired resolution, but…book after book, character after character…

There are more eloquent ways, Ms. Rowling.

I’ve never dressed up as a wizard for Halloween, and have no real fascination with magic.

But even I think this is cool:

It’s a motion activated universal remote control.

The website is almost as cool as the wand itself. You can check it out here.