Alright, Christmas…Let’s do this.
Thanksgiving is over, the leftovers are gone. There’s nothing left but you and me.
Bring on the marathon of Christmas specials and movies, a veritable endurance race to the finish line, attempting to squeeze in every minute of festive yuletide cinema, both classic and modern, beloved and obscure.
I’m ready to see twelve versions of a Christmas Carol, from Mickey Mouse to the guy from the new Star Trek and everything in between.
Give me the laugh track-scored very special episodes of all my favorite sitcoms, riddled with awe’s and applause.
Bring on the old fashioned stop motion, the new computer animated masterpieces and the wholesome nostalgia of Charlie fucking Brown. I’m ready for it all.
I’m ready for the bells and music ringing through the air and in my ears, a constant but faint soundtrack both reverent and festive. Give me Dean and Nat and Mel…Ray and Elvis, too while you’re at it—give me some church hymns gone pop, and modern classics from former Beatles.
Give me the bizarre duets, questionable sobriety and awkward banter shared between two legends of very different times.
Let’s have some Frosty and Rudolph and Santa making out with yo mama.
Let’s do this.
Send me your Christmas card with the interchangeable photo of a dog or child wearing reindeer antlers…
Bring on Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the madness of the malls, rife with tired consumers pushing through the crowd with a thousand bags dangling to either side. I’m ready to go toe to toe for a Cabbage Patch Kid, or Tickle Me Elmo, or whatever it is that whips the kids into a frenzy these days.
Mix me a holiday cocktail, spice some rum, heat up a toddy…Give me some hot coco and an eggnog latte—and a be sure to float a candy cane in it.
Let’s light up the night like the Las Vegas strip, and fill the air with the smell of fresh pine and baking cookies. Let’s line the streets with garland and wreaths, and trim our trees with homemade childhood ornaments and enough tinsel to give the Tin Man a hard-on.
It’s time to make some spirits bright.