I’d like to thank the Writer’s Guild of America for going on strike. Thanks for “halting the entertainment industry” in the name of more money. You deserve it, you work really hard and that additional $130 million offered by the big-wigs certainly wasn’t enough to compensate for the art that you create.
So yes, dear guilders, I’d like to thank you–
For no longer writing all of that mind-numbing crap I find myself sucked into far too often…Those horrible programs that allowed me to shut off my brain and rival a lobotomy recipient as I stared blankly into the abyss of poorly written sitcoms and one police drama too many. Thanks for no longer plaguing my soul with endless teen dramas that do nothing but celebrate the shallow, empty side of life, crushing any sort of values, morals or self-respect our youth might still have.
I’d also like to thank you for sparing me the golden globes, people’s choice and, fingers crossed, all the other remaining awards shows. Thank-you for saving me the lost hours that I would have spent watching celebrities stroke one another’s ego while purchasing their little gold statues in a leveraged buy-out of merit. I just might use those saved hours to do something useful, maybe learn a foreign language.
Now, I’m not the only one who’d like to thank you all for your diligence in your quest for 4¢ more in royalties for every DVD sold. I’m sure there are a few other people out there who’d like to thank you, too–folks like the various crew members, lighters, gaffers, make-up artists, caterers and thousands of others, all of whom have essentially been laid off by you and your strike. Maybe you’ll get their $342.8 million dollars worth of lost wages.
You want more money?
Don’t we all? I was raised on the belief that if you want more money, you should find a better job. I’d be willing to bet my left eyebrow that there’s a half a million underemployed aspiring writers with twice the talent and half the connections who would jump at the chance to fill your shoes.
A lot of jobs suck way worse and pay a lot less, so quit your bitching.)
Most folks who work in the service industry are underpaid, you’re lucky they don’t unionize, too…otherwise you wouldn’t be able to get your half-caff, double-tall, non-fat vanilla latte on the way to the picket line.
Now, I feel for you, I really do. The world of media is ever-changing and you have to protect yourself and your, ahem, work; but isn’t that what agents are for? Isn’t that why they invented contracts?
Just remember that every episode of Ugly Betty or Gossip Girl you don’t write opens up another reality TV window. Do you really think the studio execs mind shifting over to the reality format, where the writers are seldom needed beyond the conception stage? You’re just saving them money. Lord knows the general populace will watch whatever is on, whether it’s something you lovingly crafted, celebrity fit club or a show featuring drying paint on a wall (I’d prefer the latter of the three)
But I digress…
like I said, I really want to thank you. Because of you and your little strike, I’m reading more books and listening to more music…I’m spending far less time tethered to my couch listening to my brain cells pop by virtue of yet another empty piece of garbage littering our world via satellite and in front of a studio audience. So thanks.
Now if we could just get the pop-stars to go on strike, we just might have a chance.
Hugs and French Kisses,